Guest Blog by Lee A. Bowers, Ph.D. An excerpt from the book – Divorce Proof Your Marriage Before You Say “I Do” – 7 Essential Conversations.
Big Questions in Life
There are many questions to ask and answer when building a foundation for a life together. It’s important to find out where your partner stands on money, sex, gender-roles, politics, religion and family. It’s equally important to uncover where he or she stands on smaller things, like doing dishes or taking out the trash. To discover early on how your significant other feels about the large and mundane aspects of life, will greatly increase your chances of being satisfied and happy with your decision to marry.
One problem may be that we have a hard time asking certain questions of ourselves. What do we want a mate to do for us? How can we communicate clearly before we first determine what we want in a relationship?
“Love at first sight is easy to understand; it’s when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle…”
Amy Bloom
Right Brain/Left Brain
Many scientists have studied the phenomena of our two brain hemispheres and how they work very independently from each other. The left-brain is the organized, linear, efficient “get things done” side. The day to day processes of navigating life occur in the left-brain. We negotiate the ins and outs of our shared existence using left-brain tools.
The right-brain, on the other hand, is more abstract. It’s the artistic, creative, non-linear side. Emotions are a function of the right-brain; we fall in love with the right-brain.
The corpus callosum is the chasm between the separated right and left cerebral hemispheres. Men have a wider area to bridge and less connecting tissue than women. This may be why men tend to experience things either rationally (left) or emotionally (right), but rarely both at the same time. As a result, the two don’t communicate very well. This just might explain a huge problem in relationships.
To further complicate communication, men and women are inherently different. Biological variations between males and females go deeper than the obvious. Researchers at the University of Pittsburgh Medical School are finding that “sex-based disparities in the nervous, musculoskeletal, respiratory, cardiovascular, and immune systems” exist. According to Elaine Vitone, writing in the Fall 2010 Edition of Pitt Med, “They’re finding strengths and vulnerabilities in each sex that further our understanding of certain illnesses overall.” This has consequences in every aspect of life, from how the sexes approach problem-solving, to stress responses, to basic communication.
It is a common perception that women are more emotionally open, intuitive and connected, while men are more logical and less emotionally aware. This perception has a basis in biology as well as culture. Looking again at neurochemistry, Dr. Roger Sperry discovered a difference in the way male and female babies develop. Sometime between the 16th and 26th week of pregnancy, two chemicals are released in the brains of male babies. These chemicals naturally slow the development of the right hemisphere, the seat of intuition and empathy, the source of emotion. Though men have larger brains and more brain cells, women have more neural connections, so when a woman brings up something emotional that happened in the past during a current argument, that’s because for her, the same emotion from past and present are connected.
Because women can access both sides of their brains more easily than men, female language is often formed from both hemispheres, whereas male language is more often based in the left hemisphere. This is one reason why women who have left-brain strokes have (on average) an easier time recovering language skills than men.
The inferior-parietal lobe (IPL), in the left hemisphere, is thought to be the seat of mathematical ability. Men typically develop a larger IPL than women, which explains why men often outperform women in math. Men also generally have stronger spacial abilities, whereas a thicker parietal area in women’s brains is thought to hinder their mental ability to imagine 3D objects. Einstein, on the other hand, had an IPL that was not only larger than average, but also uniquely formed.
Men and women generally react differently to stress. According to psychologist Shelley E. Taylor, women “tend and befriend” stress. During times of stress, the body produces more of the hormone oxytocin. In women, estrogen enhances the effects of oxytocin, producing a calming effect, causing women to take better care of themselves and their children, and to seek out and strengthen bonds of friendship. In men, stress increases their levels of testosterone, and this reduces the stress-mitigating effects of oxytocin. This can cause men to withdraw, to think things through on their own. These physiological facts are another example of differences between males and females that make them approach problem-solving and communication differently.
Cultural learning adds an additional gendered layer. Women are raised to be sensitive to the emotions of others, while men are taught to act assertively to get what they want. The full weight of western culture has decided that reason is more important than emotion, without much thought given to finding an essential balance. As a result, men are raised to repress their feelings, while women are taught that their emotions are irrelevant.
As they grow, men are encouraged to disconnect from experiences of sadness and pain by not overtly reacting to them. Women are socialized to repress the expression of their thoughts and opinions, and avoid confrontation. Uncomfortable with and socialized away from overt demands, they often make requests which men may interpret as optional. In some cases, such requests might be seen as manipulative. Because clearly stating desires can be considered unfeminine, women are in a classic double bind. If they are assertive, they may be considered unfeminine; but if unassertive, they may be seen as frivolous or worse, as having no desires at all.
Women, with their greater volume of neural connections, remember things better than men. Unfortunately, in an argument, women tend to bring up everything related to the issue at hand, because, in their mind, it’s all connected. To a man, this can feel like his partner is throwing the kitchen sink at him. All of these communication challenges factor into potential relationship problems.
I’m sure by now you may be thinking, “Then it’s hopeless. How can I trust my experiences?” Well, the good news is that it is not hopeless. In fact, if you understand these principles and fundamental differences between men and women, and how to work through them, you have a much greater chance for a loving relationship that will last a lifetime.
Once you recognize that the early highs of a relationship are not sustainable over the long term, it’s important to make sure there is substance that can carry your love beyond those early feelings, to stand the test of time. The underpinnings of a relationship are often overlooked, but they are where the substance is – much like a bridge that seems to float over the water, but is solidly supported underneath. When it comes to living a lifetime with another, there must be more to support and justify the relationship than a simple statement or feeling of love.
Lee A. Bowers, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist in private practice in Villanova, PA. She has more than 25 years experience working with families and couples. To learn more about Dr. Lee or request a consultation, please visit her website at: www.drleebowers.com, e-mail: leebowers@comcast.net, or phone: 610-520-0443.
One of the biggest reason marriages end in divorce is because couples fail to ask the big questions before they walk down the aisle.
One of my favorite questions is ” How do you think I act in a crisis situation?” A family member of mine, that had been divorced before, would not agree to marry his (now second wife) until he knew how she acted in a crisis situation. If he had asked that of his first wife, or just waited till they were in a crisis situation and seen what a vile lunatic she became, his life would have been mucho, mucho different since he would not have married her. He ended up with a lot of tumult and drama with her since she could not control her emotions when she got upset and got really out of control.
If couples simply spent some time asking each other the questions that really matter, they’d greatly increase their chances of staying together. The great thing about a “question book” is that it makes it easier to ask those uneasy questions and encourages an environment to address them.
But if this “1000 Questions For Couples” is a great list of 1000 questions to ask before marriage the right book for this? In short, yes. Most question books ‘beat around the bush,’ never really providing the important questions, and others simply don’t have enough questions. On the other hand, this book has a fairly comprehensive collection of questions, covering every single topic you’d ever want to know about before tying the knot. It includes tough subjects like money, children & child rearing, career, past and present relationships, religion, morals, convictions & beliefs, personality, and even sex.
RECOMMENDED BY MY PASTOR
“I read a statistic somewhere that if you go to pre-marital counseling before you get married it will cut down your probability of getting divorced by 75%.
I’m not sure if that is true but it certainly makes sense to have some sort of thorough discussion on all the vital topics before you say I do. I had asked my minister at church if he knew of any “tests” we should take before we get married to make sure we knew each other and he recommended this book with 1000 questions to ask my future hubby.
I must say that it was extremely thorough and asked quite a number of questions that I didn’t really feel comfortable answering but in the end drew me and my fiance really close together. Most questions were really fun to answer and I loved hearing my fiances answers – I learned a lot more about him than I thought I would. I definitely recommend this book.”
– T. Cat
But don’t get me wrong while there are many serious and tough topics to discuss, there are also many “lighter” yet just as important topics, including the car and driving, vacations, food & well being, pets, and your favorite things. That’s one thing I really loved about this book. It covered every conceivable topic from the super-heavy to the light-hearted and wacky, making it smoother for couples to start with easy questions and build their way up to important ones.
They make for great conversations starters…. ever feel like you have the same kind of conversation with your significant other every day? “How was your day at the office dear? …Oh…boring and mindless….how was yours.?” This book is a way to keep your conversations fresh and spicy and you will find out all kinds of things about your mate and get to know them on a very multi-faceted level.
It was cool to get 3 – 5 of the questions to my email each day, making everything automatic. I just go about my day and get new questions to ask my loved one, without having to really think about it. In all, there’s nothing really negative I can say about this book, except that I wish my family member would have read this before he got married….I’m sure he wishes that too….. divorce is so gut-wrenching…for the partners and the kids.
I highly recommend this book for everyone. NOT just couples who are thinking of getting married but also couples who just want to feel closer together, or people dating, who just want more things to talk about. For all the details check out the author’s site by clicking this link.
What are ice-breaker questions and conversation topics for new engaged couples that they should ask each other?
After all the googley eyes, cooing, cudding, smooching, incessant texting did you ask more incisive questions about their beliefs, values about topics such as in-laws, finances, how to vacation, savings, thoughts about what religion to raise your kids, how to educate your kids and if you wanted to live in the city, the suburbs or the countryside?
You are probably aware that in many countries of the world engaged couples don’t really know each other before they get married. Well, that actually happens in every country.
Ice Breaker Questions and Conversation Topics for Engaged Couples
I’ve known men and women who “dated” for 6, 12 or even 24 months who were surprised at whom the person they married really was. A woman told me that after she was married for a couple of months, she found out her husband hated kids. A man wrote to me to say that he discovered several years into his marriage that his wife had been in prison.
Ice Breaker Questions and Conversation Topics for Engaged Couples
Other men and women have been shocked to learn what their mate thought about sex, religion, careers, household work, money and the future. In fact, many of these differences have led couples to divorce court.
I believe a lot less couples would get divorced (or even not marry each other in the first place) if they actually knew each other well enough before they got married by asking ice breaker questions and engaging in these personal conversation topics. Engaged couples could cut down on a lot of their clashes if they knew more about their mate’s thoughts, beliefs and emotions. The best way to get to really know someone is with ice breaker questions about their values, beliefs and lifestyle choices.
Whether you have been dating for 5 months or have been married for 500 months, you absolutely must know your beloved’s answers to these questions
You need to use a certain amount of wisdom with these 1,000 questions. Someone who has just begun dating shouldn’t accelerate the relationship by starting off with questions on marriage and sex. If you don’t think you and your partner are quite ready to commit to one another, it would be best to start off with the questions on personality, your past experiences, favorites and perhaps pets. The best relationships are built on a solid friendship, so first address the questions that will help build that base.
Some people will want to answer four or five ice breaker questions in a sitting. Others might like to spend several hours and answer 50 or more. Some people will want to put the questions in letters and mail them to each other on the same day so their answers don’t influence each other’s. Those with computers might find email to be a good way to get to know each other (and even keep the emails for future reference).
Do not avoid certain conversation topics just because you find them uncomfortable or even embarrassing. Break down that communication barrier and learn to talk about those issues with your partner. If someone is unwilling to talk about certain issues, it should throw up a flag for potential problems down the road.
If you don’t think a question applies to you, ask it anyway. Your partner might have some interesting thoughts on the matter. What are some of the probing questions for engaged couples that I really like? Out of the 1,000 questions just will give you a little taste.
Do you have a role model in your profession? What about them do you admire?
Do you screen phone calls before answering the phone? Can you let the phone ring during meals or when company is over or do you feel compelled to always answer it?
How long do you usually take to get ready in the morning?
Would you rather live modestly and retire modestly at 50, or would you rather live more extravagantly and retire modestly at 65?
If I were really bothered about you sharing our fights/disagreements with your friends and family, would you agree not to do it? Or would you agree to discuss it with them only if we couldn’t solve the problem on our own within a couple of days?
What are the pros for eloping? What are the cons? Does it sound appealing to you?
Are there any scents that turn you on?
1,000 Questions for Couples before saying ” I do”
Does a person’s sexual past matter if you really love them?
What do you think is the best way for couples to handle disagreements?
If the doctors detected that your unborn child had a severe birth defect and they could easily abort it, would you still have the baby?
Have you given any thought to how you would want to discipline your children during early childhood, adolescent years and the teen years?
What did your previous partners complain most about you?
Is there anything that you constantly worry about?
If someone tells you a juicy tidbit about a friend or coworker, do you have difficulty keeping it to yourself? Do you ever tell people they shouldn’t gossip?
If you were paid a salary to work for any one charity for an entire year, which charity would you choose?
Keeping the Passion and Intimacy Alive in Marriage
I was reading this article in Prevention Magazine about 10 ways to stay connected and wanted to also write my own version of this and add comments of things we do to keep things saucy.
Doing these outside of your normal routine. I think Michael and I like to always mix it up with a new event. One weekend might be a Jazz Festival, the next one might be a tour of wineries and then he might drag me to a cheese tasting (even though dairy hates me). Our couples yoga we do every Friday night in Philadelphia ( Manayunk) is a way for us to offer an adventurous date night to couples we ever met. Our first unofficial date was watching fireflies on a hammock on a warm summer night outside of New York city in Rheinbeck, NY. Our next more official date after we had lunch in the East Village and then I took him to an acrobatic yoga class in Central Park. In the acro class we were hanging upside like fruit bats and our partners were twirling our bodies in the air like a Cirque Du Soleil pro. One of our more memorable dates was when he took me to Longwood Gardens and we saw an ice skating show ( in the dead of winter…. at night)….It made for a memorable night!
Laugh over inside jokes. I think the two of us have loads of these. When I talk about the time before I was with my hubby I refer to it as B.M. ( Before Michael) which we both have a groaning laugh over. We have funny nicknames for each other, some of which I’m not allowed to say in public. It validates our bond to build up a reservoir of laughter and giggles and builds intimacy.
How was your day? Isn’t it nice to have someone to regale your tale of woe or jubilation every day? It kind of keeps it alive again. Having this chat every day helps to keep you connected to the details, stresses, hopes, intimacy and dreams of your sweetie. Even if it feels like a cliche question the answer is almost always different. I sort of store of all these little stories to tell Michael and when the events are happening I am thinking in my head…. I can’t wait to tell Michael.
1000 Questions for Couples Before You Say “I Do”
Accept that conflict is a part of any relationship. You are going to agree. You are going to disagree. Your partner will eventually piss you off, frustrate you and disappoint you. What kind of conflict resolution skills do you have? Yelling? Screaming? Whacking them upside the head with a frying pan? Name calling? Sarcasm? If yes, then you or both of you need to gain or develop conflict resolution skills.
Listening intently to what your partner is saying even if it makes your skin crawl is a learned skill. It might even take going to a therapist to gain and practice these skills. Going to a therapist can cost a few bucks depending on if they take insurance or not. How much do you think a divorce would cost you though? Add up paying for two households, alimony , child support and just the cost of moving and couples therapy can seem like a bargain… not to mention all the heartbreak and devastation that will come with it.
Fight Fair. When you fight do you just list all the grievances of your partner? Do you get nasty ? After your fight do you feel like you have grown and evolved from it or do you just feel bruised? Couples that use “we” and “us” language fare better in fights. Examine the language you are using.
Saving Your Marriage by Keeping Passion Alive
Couples that sweat together, stay together. How often do you and your sweetie go for walks, hikes, biking or swimming? You can both keep each other motivated, support each other and do something that will keep each other vibrant. Studies show that women who have a regular exercise practice are more open to intimacy as well. How’s that for motivating you to get off the couch and on the treadmill?
Some recommendations for couples.
1000 Questions for Couples Before You Say “I Do”
Have you been married or in a long-term relationship?
How do you keep intimacy alive?
What are your tips for keeping your intimacy spicy and sweet?
1000 Questions Married Couples Should Ask before “I do”
What if you had asked your husband or wife 1000 questions before you got married? What kinds of premarital counseling or classes for couples did you take if any?
Although I have a lot of issues with the Catholic Church stances on many issues, one modern practice that is to be commended is their practice of classes for couples before getting married. How much do couples really dive in deep and ask uncomfortable questions about how they will live their lives together. Do couples ask each other things like what temperature would you ideally want the house to be set at in winter and summer? Another resource I love is 1000 questions before Marriage, which is a book that lists all kinds of questions like the ones below. It also gives guidelines on when to ask the questions.
Other men and women have been shocked to learn what their mate thought about sex, religion, careers, household work, money and the future. In fact, many of these differences have led couples to divorce court. Married couples could cut down on a lot of their clashes if they knew more about their mate’s thoughts, beliefs and emotions. The best way to get to really know someone is with questions.
You need to use a certain amount of wisdom with these 1,000 questions. Someone who has just begun dating shouldn’t accelerate the relationship by starting off with questions on marriage and sex.
Obviously, you wouldn’t ask this to someone unless you are in a committed relationship or close to having one but at what point is it appropriate to start to bring these issues up? How can you really know someone’s life values, beliefs without really having deep conversations about them or having to experience them directly when you are thrust in the situation?
1000 Questions for Couples Before You Say “I Do”
How often do you think we should take a vacation? Would we take it just the two of us or would we leave the kids with grandparents or baby-sitters so we can just focus on the two of us? Once we have kids, how often will we plan on having a date night with no kids?
What about the sensitive subject of in-laws? How close or far away or close will we live from our families? How involved do we want them to be in events like weddings, christianings, how we raise our kids, baby-sitting our kids? Do we need them to call before they come over ( if they live close by) or is it ok if they just knock on the door? What kind of boundaries do we want with our extended families? If we live far away, how often will we travel out to see them? How often do we want them to come over and visit us? Will they stay with us or at a hotel?
What about religion? Will one of us convert? Who will that be and how will that be decided? If the other does not convert, how do celebrate religious holidays? If the holidays falls around the same time such as Easter and passover or hanukkah and Christmas, how do we celebrate them? For our kids, how do we teach them about both of our faiths? Are we going to send our children to religious school? What priority do religious holidays have in our lives?
What about money? Will we share bank accounts or maintain separate ones? Do we also have a joint account? If there is a primary breadwinner does that person have more power and control over the household finances or do we share that equally? Do we set a monthly budget? How much savings will we have every month? If one of us has a lot of debt do we pay that off jointly or individually? How do we decide how to spend our money each month? Should we run major purchases by each other first? How do we decide what a major purchase is?
What about where to live? Do we want to live in a house, condo or apartment? Do we want to live in a more urban area, more suburban area or out in the countrywide? Do we want to live part of the time in one city and have a vacation home in another city or country? Will we do our own yard-work or hire someone to do gardening? How important is it to us that our house is in top condition? Do we want to spend money on major repairs so that our house is always in top condition or is that less of a priority? Will we do some repairs ourselves like painting and refinishing or will we hire someone to help us with that?
What about your social life? Do we like to go out a lot to to restaurants, bars, dancing, movies and other cultural events or are we going to focus on savings and business matters and sacrifice going out as much? How late do we like to stay out? Do we like to go out just the two of us or do we prefer to go out with friends and family? How often do we want to socialize with close friends and family?
What about health and wellness matters? Are we going to spend more time and money on eating healthy and staying fit or are we going to relax in our off time and get prepared food and take-out? Who is going to do the cooking and how will we decide that? What kinds of foods do we want to eat on a regular basis? Does one of us have any dietary restrictions and how accommodating will our mate be to them?
1000 Questions Before You Get Married
What about pets? Do we have any allergies to pet? If yes, then are you prepared to give up an animal or not have a certain kind of animal for your partner? If we adopt a pet, what kind of pet will we adopt? How do we figure out how to share in taking care of it? How much of a priority will out pet be? Do we plan our day, vacations around our pet or take them with us? If our pet starts to get sick will we invest a lot of money in taking care of it? Will out pet sleep in our bed with us? Are they allowed up on the furniture?
I believe a lot less couples would get divorced (or even not marry each other in the first place) if they actually knew each other well enough before they got married.
For those looking for a marriage retreat in PA near Philadelphia there are so many beautiful locations within a short drive or train ride such as the Poconos.
Here are the factors you want to consider.
Distance – Do you want something that is convenient and just an hour or two drive away? Are you looking for something more remote that might end up being more affordable? Are you able to leave for your retreat at a time that you won’t get stuck in rush hour? Nothing kills googly eyes and coo-ing sounds like a bad traffic jam
Activities – Do you want to be really active with hiking, biking, yoga or swimming or are you content to just lounge around a fireplace and sleep until noon? Do you want the retreat to be structured with speakers and group workshops or do you want to be more independent and spontaneous. If it is a marriage retreat you will want to find plenty of activities that you will want to do together and not just go off and he is fishing the whole time while you are taking pilates classes.
Cost – Are you looking for something that is luxurious and not as conscious about saving money or do you need something that is more wallet-friendly? If you are more budget conscious then you can start subscribing to lists like Groupon or Living Social and see what kind of travel deals they have.
If you are more particular about a certain area or property then you can monitor terms like “Marriage Retreat PA” or “Poconos Getaway” on twitter alerts so that anytime this term gets mentioned on social media (often that happens because there is some kind of discount or offer involved) you will get these delivered to your inbox as one message instead of having to search for them every day.) I used this tactic when we were traveling to Las Vegas and was looking to see if there were any discounts that were being offered.
Adult Only – Are you looking to get away from the kids and want peace and quiet or are you going to bring the kids along and need lots of kid-friendly activities like swimming and arts and crafts? Is there child-care services on premises so that you can leave the noisy ones with them as the two of you have your couple time?
Amenities– Are you looking for something luxurious with all touches likes mints on your pillows or is something rustic and cozy (which will also mean lower-cost) more up your alley? Do you have to be at a place that has WIFI so you can stay connected or do you want to be unplugged and unbothered?
Couples Retreats in PA near Philadelphia
Weather – If the retreat is at a remote location, then you’ll have to factor bad weather ( especially in winter) could hinder your plans. Find out about how good or bad the roads are as well as the refund policy in case of inclement weather. If you are going in the middle of summer are there activities like swimming or classes indoors in case it gets too intense to hike around in 95 heat with humidity that feels like a wet blanket? If it is in the middle of winter, then make sure there are plenty of fun indoors activities so you don’t just feel like you have cabin fever.
